Learning How to Be Alone Again

I’ve always thought of myself as pretty independent, maybe even overly so sometimes. But lately, I’ve been learning that independence doesn’t protect you from the quiet aftermath of love. I'm trying my best to deal with the emptiness that has followed now that someone who used to fill my days suddenly isn’t here anymore.

I don't want to call myself a loner because that would be inaccurate, but I am someone who's always been pretty independent. But one of the lasting effects of being in a relationship is that you get very used to being dependent on someone (especially if you are coursemates). Even if it's not in person. You wake up to "good morning" texts, you both share constant updates about each other’s days (food pics in my case), constantly enquire about each other’s day, and end the day with a "goodnight" or simply drift off to sleep mid conversation.

I've experienced what I will term intimacy withdrawals post breakup. No longer having someone to share every emotion and life event, no matter how insignificant, has taken A LOT of getting used to. I think you experience these withdrawals even more when your boyfriend was your best friend as well. It sounds very cliché, but as someone who doesn't have a million close friends, he really was my best friend.

For the first time in my life, I can relate to heartbreak, and I hate it. Heartbreak is such a common theme in the media we consume. I'd watch or listen to the portrayal of heartbreak in music, shows, and movies. As much as I empathized, I couldn't relate. Heartbreak was just something I couldn't relate to until the past three months at home.

All of a sudden, I could relate to the constant tears, randomly bursting into tears even in public, waking up crying and going to bed crying. The embarrassing desperation, wondering day and night what I could have done differently to ensure a different outcome. The sharp pain I'd get in my chest whenever I thought about him. I'll probably look back on all this and laugh, but when you're in the heat of heartbreak, it's a truly crippling feeling.

For a long time, I kept the tears and sadness to myself, not wanting to bother anyone with my feelings. But it became very obvious to my mom that I wasn't okay. Usually, sobbing to my mom makes me feel better, but not this time. No matter how much I tried to shake off my pain, it just didn't work. It dawned on me that there was no cheat code for this. I'd just have to deal with all these emotions until I became numb, and I eventually did become numb once I went no contact. He wasn't constantly on my mind anymore. But I knew once I resumed, all the emotions would come rushing back, and come back they did.

I had one conversation with him, and a lot of my progress went out the window. I once again constantly thought about him. But as if to save me from the self destructive musings, my grandfather died. And that brought me back down to earth. It's still on my mind, don't get me wrong, but with my grandfather dying just four days ago, I realized that I should just focus on getting the hell out of school. It's the only way I'll cope with all this.

For a long time, I deluded myself into thinking that our bond would remain unchanged even if we broke up. We got along so well even without the romantic element that I was convinced we'd ease into a close friendship very easily. But after a holiday of mental breakdowns, tears, desperation, and coldness, I realized that that connection was gone. I had two options: maintain a "friendship" where I'm constantly waiting for another chance at a relationship, or go no contact and save myself from another breakdown.

I finally told myself the hard truth. Edina, you're not friends. Ironically, I'd had friends tell me the same thing. "You can't be friends with your ex,” they'd say. But I never listened because I do believe exes can be friends, and I believed that my connection with him was special (delusional).

Do I think exes can be friends? Yes.

Do I think exes can be friends if one person doesn't want to be just friends? No.

A big reason why I'm making this decision, or at least trying to, is because in nine months, I won't have to see him or talk to him ever again. Distance will force me to move on. But until then, I'll put my head down and try to get through my last session in school for the first time in three years alone.

I would finish this piece with a profound thought about healing and moving on, but I don't think I'm going to be completely fine for a while, so what's the point of trying to sound deep?

Let's see how I feel when I graduate.